Tag: acceptance

Accepting the Unusual

~ humoringthegoddess ~ 8 Comments

Greetings friends and drifters!

I have returned from 10 days with family in the sunny (and expensive) world of Disney and the Florida beach. It was exhausting, invigorating, and, as always, eye opening.

Because of bad posture in the past (so my husband says) I have a hard time standing up straight. I’ve been working on that for some time now, but walking around the park for 12 hours did a number on my shoulder and back. So the second day I rented a handicap scooter.

You would have thought I spilled cherry Kool-Aid on my white shirt.

Instead of reveling in the relief of the strain on my shoulder, I became totally self conscious and embarrassed. I felt all eyes on me, as everyone else was walking while I was riding.

Even more weird is that I wasn’t the only one riding a scooter. 

I would have done anything for my fellow rider — I thought nothing of renting her a ride. But it was something else when I was the rider.

Why couldn’t I walk like everyone else? I’m not that old. I’m not that out of shape. Everyone else could cross back and forth across the parks — why couldn’t I?

I think it was more of my having to accept my own reality that blew me away. I really was older than most around me. I really did have a hard time keeping up with kids and grandkids. I should have been able to ride roller coasters and stand in line for a half hour and wander from ride to ride without help. But I couldn’t.

I don’t know exactly what image I held in my mind of where I was in my life, but it certainly didn’t match my reality in Florida. 

And that upset me.

We all say we know who we are and what we feel and what made us what we are. But do we always?

I didn’t think I’d have such an adverse reaction to something as simple as riding a scooter through an amusement park. I never thought I’d choose being embarrassed and uncomfortable over taking care of myself.

Happily, I snapped out of my self pity fog by the second day. I did need help getting around and I was fortunate enough to be able to rent mobility to make my days easier. 

I was lucky to be at the park, period. Others were not as lucky.

But looking yourself in the eye can be … well, eye-opening. And better to accept it earlier than later. Once you do you still have a world of options before you.

Be who you are. Be proud of who you are. And don’t let it hold you back from moving forward in your life.

The parks were just marvelous …

 

 

 

 

 

Faerie Paths — Buds

~ humoringthegoddess ~ 2 Comments

 

Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. God opens millions of flowers every day without forcing their buds.
– Osho

 

 

Swirling Out

~ humoringthegoddess ~ 14 Comments

esher_loxodromeIIThis is going to be one of those depressing little ditties older people write when it looks like there is not much sunshine on the horizon. Oh, there is sunshine and flowers and soft breezes, to be sure, but I just don’t see them quite as brightly as before.

This is not an insurmountable-odds sort of thing; not a terminal disease or death of a loved one or a catastrophe of nature. This is a melancholy of a different kind. It’s the kind of thoughts you have when you have fewer years in front of you than behind, and realize that your contributions to society have been minimum (to say the least).

Not that I wanted to be a Congresswoman or a Rock Star. I’m happy with my choices in life. But it often seems that the choices I’ve made in my pretzel-logic sort-of-way have not always been the smartest ones. As much as I’ve always enjoyed my job, I’ve always been a little A.D.D., causing me to get an extra lecture or two along the way. Taking medication for the downs of my life have added more complications, as now I’m sleepy during the day, another lecture or three. I’m working on that, but, as usual, it’s after the damage has been done.

More to the point is what I’m finding as I get older. People’s attitudes, people’s opinions, are slowly becoming…mmm…a little more condescending. Tolerant. Indulging. As if I’m slipping slowly into dementia. Which, as far as I can tell, I’m not.

It starts slowly. Almost imperceptibly. People start questioning you. Telling you what to do. Turning you in the direction they think you are supposed to go. Telling you how you should respond. These people mean no harm — they are truly trying to be helpful.  I don’t think they even realize they are “telling” me more and more what to do. As you get older, you have a tendency to do both…tell people what to do and be told what to do.

I am beginning to realize why older people get grumpy and depressed and frustrated. Every time someone tells you what to do, what not to do, and it’s not what you want to do, you have to make a choice. Either don’t do it and get static, or do it and give up a little piece of yourself. Not hunks and chunks — just chinks. Fighting about who’s right isn’t always the answer. As through my whole life, I’ve had to pick my battles. Sometimes it seems that I could make a battle out of everything. And that’s not the way I want to live my life.

I am not always right.  Far from it. I’ve always been a little left of center, causing trouble where trouble shouldn’t be,  giving up when my career choices soured. I’ve never been Einstein, but I’ve never been a moron, either. Sometimes it takes me a while to “get it.” And I know as I get older, I frustrate those younger, as I don’t make decisions as quickly as I used to. I react with my emotions instead of my brain.

But that doesn’t mean my decisions are wrong.

I’m finding that these days my energy wanes, my writing suffers, and my dreams are popping like bubbles. Again, I’m working on all of that, but lately I’ve wondered if all of it’s worth the effort. For now I have my health, my family, and charm. Shouldn’t that be enough?

When you’re older, there’s not much room to turn around. You have to hold onto your job, your health, as long as you can. So it’s better not to make waves. Better to give in and do what you need to do to move on. I’m not saying everyone over 40 or 50 or 60 needs to roll over. There are many  sharp, successful working people that still have a chance to make a difference. They have dreams, they have potential. They are mentors and creators and holders of the future. They’re not flaky, left-of-center pretzel logic people like me. And I’m not sure I have what it takes to change at this point of the game.

I have to learn to let go.  To not challenge, not cause trouble. What is that saying —

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

As long as God doesn’t pat me on the head I’ll be fine.