To all my friends and listeners out there — (including follower 1,495 and 607), I have a sad, confusing topic to ask you about today.
I have been around death a lot these past years. It started with my mom back in the 70s, then father, brother, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and more, through my son three years ago. So I’m not new to the game.
None of are, really.
All the deaths that have passed through my life have happened “outside” of my experience. Happened someplace else. We had to let my father go after an operation, although he never woke up from it.
This time it’s different.
I have a brother-in-law who has had a rough life physically. Diabetes, kidney problems, heart problems — that part isn’t important. We moved him up to Wisconsin from Illinois and for a while he was an active part of my family.
Now, due to physical complications, he wants to sign over his DNR rights and start preparing to die.
He’s 64.
And not on death’s edge.
He has given up trying to get better through exercise and nutrition; he’s already had it with physical therapy, his Cpap machine, and the rehab center. He wants to go back to where he was living (assisted living) and go on hospice. He wants his last rights.
And I can’t see why.
The first thing you will say — and you are right — is that it’s his life. That we all are born to die sometime, and it’s our right to go out with dignity and peace.
And you are right.
What I can’t understand is why he is willing to give up everything for a maybe chance of heaven on the other side.
He refuses to deal with his depression, with his terrible dental hygiene and his loss of strength on one side due to a stroke. So everyone has decided to let him go his own way.
I find that so sad.
I’m not comparing his situation with anyone in my family who has gone before. Shit happens. But to choose not to fight till the very end to stay in this world a little longer — I just don’t get it.
I know I’m not as sick as he is. I know that if I were, my ways of thinking and responding would be different, too. But I don’t believe I’d ever give up without a fight. And another fight. Especially if I could see some extra time to be had on this side.
Have you ever had to deal with this kind of prolonged sadness and confusion? How do you deal with it? Just do your best to let it go? Help him along his journey?
Sorry to be a downer this morning. But I’d really like to know.
And as for follower 1,495 and 607 — don’t worry. I don’t have a clue who you are.
But I’d like to …..
Humoring the Goddess 
a friend (rather new to me) decided to do the same thing at age 60. he was struck my lightning at age 14, hit the ground and ended up a lengthy coma. since then, he has been in several nursing homes. and once his lungs started developing issues (a new one each week) he decided to receive no further medical intervention. it took 2 1/2 weeks and he was gone. I must say that I was so happy for him to know that he was free from 46 years of confinement in a body that he could never enjoy and the realization that it would NEVER be any better. ❤
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And I do understand that, too. I so appreciate your sharing your story. I honestly don’t know how much I could stand to bear myself, so I’m not pointing fingers at my brother in law. I just find death sad enough when it comes, no matter if it’s right away or years down the road. I hate watching it take place in real time.
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((( ❤ )))
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Back at you triple!!!
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This and the topics surrounding it are difficult to process. We should talk about it more. Thinking of you. Be easy on yourself
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As long as you are with yourself! ❤️
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We try….
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If someone has been suffering for years and fear being confined to an assisted living center, no matter the age, they just don’t consider it living. It’s a tough situation and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this
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I know you are right. I knew he was unhappy in various ways, and when we took him out he seemed to lighten up. He is not a talker and refused to talk about his health unless you caught him in a “compromising” situation. I am not close enough to him emotionally to probe into his feelings, and after his stroke it was even harder to probe his emotions and thoughts. Maybe that’s why it caught me off guard. Other family members and his caretaker are not surprised. It shows you what a rosy dead end place ~I~ come from. It’s not that I didn’t know nor understand — I just interpreted it from the point of view of never wanting to leave this earth, period. I so love your thoughts and understanding.
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I’m sorry there are so many typo’s in my comment. It was difficult to write and I pressed send before I reread it. So very sorry.
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And NEVER apologize for what you write — you should see all the mistakes I let fly when I’m really into what I’m typing!
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You see it as if he’s giving “up everything.” He doesn’t believe he has anything. I remember when my son was dying, a many in the next room was begging his fmaily to let him die. Screaming that he didn’t want to do it any longer. My husband said, I want to die, turn off the machines. People know when it’s time to go. Others can’t understand it but they know. We need to let them leave when they are ready. Tell them it’s okay and stay with them, if they will let us. It’s a choice and they don’t have any doubts. We have to understand that and now put our own feelings onto them. Not try to keep them because we don’t want them to go, or because it’s not what we think we would choose to do. It’s only about them and what they want to do. I learned a long time ago to agree with those who are ready to leave. Just help them by letting them know you are there for them. And I must say that one doesn’t know what one will do when they are in the same position. Making decisions when one is healthy isn’t the same as having given up everything that makes like meaningful and worthwhile. We each get to choose and none of us know what the other person is going through. I’m sorry. But I can understand how sick he is of trying to live. I’ve seen it. I don’t blame him, or anyone else that has to loose who they were and struggle to be less than they ever wanted to be. The night my father was died, the woman in the room across the hall refused to let her husband die. Everytimg his heart stopped, she had them shock him back for another half hour. She couldn’t let him go. The staff thought it was cruel and he couldn’t live. She was thinking about how she couldn’t live without him, instead of thinking that he had to go. I’ve learned to think about what the other person wants, not only because I’ve also lost a lot of people but mostly because I never want anyone telling me what to do. My kids know that. I’ve told them a million times. When my husband died and we were leaving the hospital my daughter said, “if you want to kill yourself, and can’t live without him, I’ll understand and I love you.” That was 14 years ago. I never want anyone to stop me from doing anything I want to do and that includes dying. Your brother-in-law knows what he wants to do. We don’t know what a person’s life story is or how it ends, that’s up to the author. Much love to you and your family.❤️
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I so appreciate and feel your heartfelt response. I don’t often vent personal situations on my blog — perhaps it’s my eternally optimistic self encouraging others. But sometimes life switches gears and you really don’t know which way to turn. I connect with your sharing on so many levels. I KKNOW it’s more me than him — my inability (or unwillingness) to acknowledge the dark place he’s (perhaps always) coming from. It’s not me suffering the indignities of a hospital or the pain of my body or mind. So many people suffer in silence for so long that when they finally decide to let it all out it’s shocking to those around them. Maybe I’ve just chosen a simple-minded approach to pain and death is better than deep agonizing over something I have no control over. I’m hoping that once he gets to his hospice home his mind and emotions will relax and he will find a way to come back around a little. I want peace for him, no matter how he finds it. Thank you so very much for sharing with me. It really did help.
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It’s just my opinion but we all have the right to let go. The problem for him is it might not be as easy as he thinks. Does he have anything to live for? Maybe he doesn’t the think so.
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I have a feeling that is part of it. I think when the body starts to give out in various ways the mind does, too. I know just from getting older how hard thinking can be some days. I’d like to think he just got tired of being poked and prodded and told what he can and cannot eat and every movement is a painful one that he decided to give up and go back to stay where he lived (near us) for five years. Maybe that act of rebellion — or resistance — will turn his thinking around and he will indeed find something to live for. I hope so. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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I’m struggling with my moms death in January. She had a series of medical events 10 years ago. A stroke. A broken hip. She did all the therapy and made what was considered 100% recovery. But it wasn’t 100%. She could no longer quilt after her stroke very few people realized what a loss that was. She could walk and talk and do all the daily living goals. But she lost the fine motor skills of her hands. She powered thru all the therapy from her broken hip. But she always had pain. She still tried to square dance, and the wonderful group my parents danced with were careful not to swing her too hard and be sure she had her balance. My husband and I took lessons and joined the group to keep her involved. My parents live “ next door” to us. We live on a farm with 2 houses. We still traveled and she loved shopping at outlet malls. Then Covid happened and we were all isolated. We had a “pod” of about 12 family and friends we trusted were safe. When we could finally go places with masks, she was not the same. We watched her slowly get weaker and do less and less. Family and church were all she’d make an effort to get out of the house for. Then just family. Last thanksgiving she was almost herself. She obviously enjoyed great grand kids the most. Helped put up Christmas tree, a family tradition. Christmas she was “less” with us. New Year’s Day she commented that she didn’t see much to live for. We had a very cold and icy winter so far and it didn’t look to improve. She ate less and less and just sat in her chair, often in her nightgown. She died January 23. She collapsed walking from bathroom to chair. She was dead. I’d brought her a milkshake a few hours earlier. She drank part of it and we talked about how she needed to get up and around more. I think she willed her death. I don’t understand. My dad and I thought she was depressed but she denied it. I might feel differently in 20 years, when I can’t do everything I want to do. At this moment, I would fight to stay alive as long as possible. I want to see my grandchildren grow up. I want to be the love and support my children still need. Did my mom not know I still needed her? I have no answers. Just that I’m not sure how you can keep a person from giving up. You can be there. You can talk to them about positive things and future plans. It’s ultimately their choice
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You don’t know how much I appreciate your heartfelt response. I know others have gone through this confusing and volatile pain, and there are no real guidelines on how to respond to all the emotions hitting those of us who are left. I want to help him but I don’t believe he wants help. Not from a sister in law. I often thought he needed an antidepressant the past few years but then again that was MY solution, not his. And I am right there with you — who knows what we will be feeling and thinking 20 years in the future. But I hope I don’t ever give up. The alternative is not a positive in so many ways. Thank you my friend.
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Sometimes, we lose someone who are dear to us in their prime, and we question W-H-Y, because of how they’re, so very, young still, and we can’t find the answers we seek, and as we are wondering why, it takes away our time for grieving which is needed, for us, to move beyond the loss, but it’s only normal that we wonder, why, because someone had been taken from us, and it reminds us how our time on earth is also, limited too.
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It does. You are so right. And it is all so painful. It brings back emotions of my recent loss but in exaggerated and strange ways. Lots of resentment I was surprised could surface. I’m totally not in his head so I admit I don’t know his confusion and pain. But those outside of him are reminded of past pains, and those are almost impossible to suppress. Thank you so much for your sharing with me.
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