Whooo Are You? Who Who..Who Who?

confusing body painting 2I was going to write about my life feeling like a tornado. But the thought made me dizzy, so I changed directions, and am going to talk about  —  I don’t know what to talk about.

More often than not my life is like that. I feel like I’m going frontwards, backwards, up the center of that tornado, and not making much headway. So I had a long talk with myself on the drive home from work today, and have decided that I’ve got to quit fighting with the world and to just be myself.

Now, I tell myself that every other day. I’m sure you do, too. And yet you go back to work, to your family, hiding the same thoughts, acting like a semi-obedient kid, counting the days until vacation, until Saturday, until retirement.

In my little one-on-one today, my good girl/bad girl really struggled to find a happy balance. Now, I am a happy person. I love my family, my paint-in-the-butt pets, my house and my habits. I’m not what you’d considered repressed — more like befuddled.

I never thought about retiring. I am too young to retire. Retirement is for old people. I know I wrote a blog about that some time ago, and the truth is that not much has changed. And that’s the problem. I haven’t noticed the clock moving backwards any, so all I have is the NOW and tomorrow’s NOW and so on and so forth. I told myself that it’s about time to stop wasting the NOWs wanting things that just aren’t going to change. There will always be worlds that fit like a glove, and others that fit like size 6 spandex. And not being “there” is alright all on its own.

My Goddess self said Knock It Off.

And so I have.

I really am going to (try) stop whining and get to gettin’ on. I have novels to finish, novels to edit, boho clothes to buy, and star roads to wander down. I suppose this wanderlust looks a bit like dementia, but since it’s purposeful, on-purpose wandering, I’m not too worried.

Have you gotten to the place in your life where enough is enough? I’m not saying I’m going to tell my boss off or spend lots of money on foofy things or start ordering from Amazon and Zulilly, but I am tired of feeling the victim of the world all the time. The bullying stopped by the time I was in high school. It started again about 10 years ago, but it stopped last November. So there’s no reason why I can’t live my life the way I want to. Who knows what that will be? I’d like to get to the point where I don’t feel guilty sleeping in on the weekends or having ice cream for breakfast. I want to write instead of do dishes and work on my blog instead of researching pin numbers.

It’s so much easier said than done, isn’t it? I know we all have different learning curves. Some curves have been much more brutal than mine, some easier. But we’re all striving to find out who we are.

No — we’re all striving to BE who we are. And it can’t be that hard.

I think if we were honest, we’d all be some jagged, bejeweled, bewitched, unpredictable conglomeration of blood and bone and pinky guts that is full of love and hope and magic.

I can be that. How about you?

 

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6 thoughts on “Whooo Are You? Who Who..Who Who?

  1. Well…. i did about 15 years ago – left the corporate life, became an artist and haven’t looked back…. my income is way different of course, but i don’t care! i have everything I NEED…. I think this is a big element for people to take the big step and have a sea change – insecurity about $$, but really you actually don’t need that much…. I miss out on nothing really, but it does take a big leap to make that change!

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    1. I am envious that you left corporate life. My husband finally got a decent job after 4 years, so we have some payin’ off to do before we quit. The good thing is that I’m due to retire before he is…so I can have some free time with him, then some free time with myself!

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  2. I feel I’m being pulled every which way at the moment too, problem is that it’s by all the things I want to do. The problem is lack of hours in a day, and BTW I’m retired!

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    1. People like you and WagginMaster and lots of other people tell me how great retirement is…and I tell you…I can’t wait! I will be just like you…packing 10 lbs of stuff to do in a 20 hour day! And just think…20 more years to be ME!

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  3. So much food for thought here. It even made my head spin. My thoughts on retirement – Retirement is not for old people. Retirement (for me) meant a change of work environment. It meant shifting gears from working to living. Prior to retirement, I was a training manager trying to please lots of people. After retirement that focus changed to doing things I enjoyed and loved. I still work to please people but that is not the end goal. Life is so much better in retirement. And it does not take a fortune to retire.

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    1. I know — and I so agree. I should have explained the rest of my blog, and that is that I’m actually looking forward to retirement. I’ve done my time, and there’s so many other things I want to do. I am beginning to think that my Muse is letting me get pumped up over all this other nonsense so that when I DO retire my life will still be overly full — with things I want to do, people I want to do things with. Perhaps I’ve just had it with my job. It happens. So please don’t let your head spin anymore…

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