Goddess Beauty Tips for Women and Men!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall……Who’s the Wackiest Chick of All?

Looking for a homemade remedy or a magic potion?  Here are a few fun ditties I found bouncing atop the Yellow Brick Cloud Tops. Believe what you will. My personal advice ― don’t give up your doctor…

 Curing a Cough

 To cure a cough: take a hair from the coughing person’s head, put it between two slices of buttered bread, feed it to a dog, and say, “Eat well you hound, may you be sick and I be sound.” Have you ever heard a dog hacking?  I’d rather have the cough…

Curing a Sty

To cure a sty, stand at a crossroads and recite: “Sty, sty, leave my eye, Take the next one coming by.” Beware of those winking at you…

Fevered Onions

An onion cut in half and placed under the bed of a sick person will draw off fever and poisons. I suppose if nothing else your bedroom will smell like a hamburger joint…

And You Thought Wine Was Just For Drinking

 We all know that red wine is good for our health, but I hear it’s fab for your skin, too! The antioxidants and polyphenols found in wine are good for softening skin, and they’re easily absorbed through through it as well. Similar to a milk bath, fill your whole tub if you’re feeling dried out. Just don’t be tempted to drink your bathwater…

Curly-Haired Boxers

Curly-haired ladies should borrow a pair of their man’s boxers to dry their locks, since a towel’s fibers can actually increase frizziness. Simple cotton is far less agitating. Just don’t raid the dirty laundry hamper…

Olive Oil Baby

 A quick and easy tip to make your body feel like silk? Olive oil. After a shower while your skin’s still damp, apply olive oil all over your body and pat dry with a damp towel. It’s moisturizing and dead sexy. Or so they say. It makes me think of a fine vinaigrette…

Avacado Anyone?

 This guac-like concoction works wonders on your hair, too. The recipe calls for mashing up one to two avocados (depending on how much hair you’ve got), working through your hair, and letting sit for 10 minutes before rinsing.  Add a bit of cilantro and lime, and…mmmm…

Trick or Treat…Smell my Feet

Beat stinky feet by soaking tootsies in a black tea bath. They say the tea’s tannins are good at neutralizing odor.  Or just take a shower…

Shoe Etiquette

Do not place shoes upon a table, for this will bring bad luck for the day, cause trouble with your mate and you might even lose your job as a result. Besides that you have no idea where those shoes have been…

And Men…Don’t Feel Left Out

Beard stuff

Do you shave three times a day in hopes of growing an Abe Lincoln?  Genetics and hormones are the major determinants of an individual’s beard development, not frequent shaving.  Cutting or shaving the hair does not make it darker or coarser. However, a hair shaft is darker and coarser at the root than at the tip, hence cutting it near the root makes the hair appear darker and coarser.  A forever five o’clock shadow, then…

Knuckle Down

The cracking sound that you hear (mostly from men’s hands) is usually just the release of gas bubbles or the ligaments or tendons moving over the bones. No evidence has been found which suggests that the habit of cracking your knuckles will cause arthritis later in life. However, it probably will annoy other people, so stop doing it anyway.

And, finally…

Men with Big Feet also have Big…

It is true that the development of male broomsticks and toes (as well as women’s splash guards and fingers) are influenced by the same gene. But the length of one does not predict the length of the other. Numerous studies found that there was no correlation between the self-reported size of feet and that of the crown jewels. We’ve always told you…it’s the size of the heart that matters anyway…

Sex — What Is It and Where Did It Go?

14 Sex What Is It and Where Did It Go 2This is going to be a ditty about that “S” word — you know — the one between “salamander” and “stupid”. The word your parents never talked about.  Back in the days when names and animals were simply names and animals and not slang for body parts, sex was something separate from us.  Oh sure, everybody thought about it; some even did something about it. But there were many that merely dreamt about it. 

A lot of us were naïve back then. Some on purpose (I don’t want to know), some because of our friends (they don’t know either), and others because we were warned we would be sent to the convent if we explored that world before we were 21. Love was simple, clean and innocent.  I mean, the Beatles never fooled around!  How could they?  They were as pure as the driven snow!

Alas, it didn’t take long for most of us to catch on to the reality of the world of boy-meets-girl.  Somewhere within our blossoming we found we really enjoyed checking out that “S” word, and made it part of our daily activities.  We dreamt we were the ones fooling around with the Beatles.

Everyone’s idea of procreation is based on how they were raised, who they hung out with, and how much of the world they explored.  As women got older, we talked a little more openly about affairs and romances, leaving the stigma of virginity behind along with wedding night memories.  As we became fruitful and multiplied, we began to appreciate the difference between the sexes and how to use our own to get what we wanted.  

Back in the 80s, every woman wanted to be super woman.  We wanted to have wonderful, loving children, an immaculate house, a career in a field we enjoyed, a great body, and a highly electric sex life.  We wanted to be room moms and company executives and whip up elegant dinners for two or twenty.  I suppose there are many women who, even today, want to be all that — and more.  But the majority of us realized long ago that super woman was an illusion, and the first chip to fall from that illusion was sex.

If we thought our antics were restricted when our kids were toddlers, that was nothing to the puritans we became when our own kids came into sexual maturity.  Toddlers didn’t care about their parents having sex because they didn’t have a clue what sex was.  But believe me, teenagers did, and the thought of two adults that didn’t look like models or rock stars wrapping themselves naked around each other was enough to send shivers through the whole house.  So mom and dad had to wait until the kids were at choir practice or football practice or at grandma’s for the day to do their “S” thing. 

Of course, funneling hot, passionate love into a schedule that also included scrubbing the kitchen floor and changing the spark plugs in the car was a juggling act all in itself.  As much as the two lovers wanted to bathe in the light of ecstasy, there were always the second thoughts of what else they could be doing with that half hour all to themselves.  And besides, the possibility that their teen could walk in to this debacle at any time tended to deflate most sex drives before they could even take off.

Well, you know where this is going.  Kids grow up, responsibilities change, and being spontaneous isn’t what it used to be.  Those same said kids go off to college or get married and you think, “Whoa boy, now we’ve got the house to ourselves!”  Now you can finally walk around naked in your house or try out new pieces of furniture and nobody will watch you but the dogs. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?

This is about the time that that ol’ clock starts winding down, and before you know it the stranger our mothers referred to as “change of life” comes dancing down your driveway.  Pre-, post- and actual starts to mess you up in ways you never imagined.  Your bones creaking from under use, and slowly but surely you are filling out, drying up, and burning up every time you turn around.  You start to have hot, free range passion, then realize the hot was not so much from the sex as it was from the flashes.  You wait for those exciting tingles and twitches and all you feel is the throbbing of your toes or the itch of your dry skin.  What once was an overactive libido is now a freight train carrying a heavy load of steel.

What happened to the sexy sprite that waited so long for liberation?  What happened to the romantic interludes and wild nights freedom promised?  I’m not saying that sex isn’t richer and fuller than it ever has been.  Hopefully the paranoia a houseful of people can bring has disappeared.  There are more open rooms, more chances to start and stop and say and be whatever you want to be.

But there is something to be said about the depletion of estrogen as women get older and the way it affects our reaction to the “S” word.  We don’t want to be that naked sprite quite as often; we’d rather put our jammies on and settle down with a good book or movie.  We’d rather spend money on a support bra rather than some skimpy lingerie thing that barely covers our hips.  We still love and adore, but sometimes find it more rewarding to sit and cuddle rather than wrestle with an out-of-shape body.

I am hoping that once men get their fill of their “V” pill, scientists put their minds to creating one for us girls. 

Let’s just hope that there’s plenty of room on the living room floor.            

On Base of Bony Orbit

When not being busy as a Goddess Gypsy Irish/Polish Writing Queen (I’m not really sure what that is…), I also spend 40 hours a week working on catalogs. I enter data, order images and copy, and proofread everything from the original description to the final glossy prepress page. One of my catalogs is dedicated to health care. Besides pages being filled with replicas of every body part (inside or outside) you can imagine, I also come across some extraordinary vocabulary.

This catalog is not one of those over-the-top linguistic nightmares, but a publication that is sophisticated enough to be grammatically specific and accurate when needed. At first the vernacular was a tsunami blowing around me. A lot of the images made me blush (scarlet, no less), and the descriptions were mostly gibble to me.  But now that I’m a seasoned veteran (sort of), I look at the catalog with a skewered sense of humor. Take the title of this blog, for instance. On Base of Bony Orbit is a description of an eye model; an orbit is the cavity in the skull that contains the eye; the eye socket. So, pulling myself away from the labrynth of product numbers, misspelled words and overlapping graphics, here are a few chuckles and chasms I found along the way.

Romantic Pairings (don’t these sound like lovey-dovey couples from the past?)

                         Cephalic and Basilic                         Systolic and Diostolic

                        Lavage and Gavage                           Bradycardia and Tachycardia

                        Larynx and Pharnyx                         Holodiastolic and Holosystolic

                       Maximus and Medius                       Tibula and Fibula

Linguistics

Another alien world in this catalog is the world of words. Oh sure, dictionaries and technical manuals are full of words only Einstein can decipher.  But, hey! I am merely an enlightened female on the road to who-knows-where! And these words are in my catalog:

                    Sphygomanometer                        Periocardiocentesus

                    Hepatobilliary                                Cricothyrotomy

                    Pneumothorax                               Sternocledidomastoid

                   Bulbospongiosus                            Intraosseous

                   Illococcygenus                                Supraspinatus

                  Meniscofemoral                              Oropharyngeal

Who Else is Here?

Did you know that there are a lot of people hanging around inside of you, too? Is there no such thing as total privacy?

             Ludwig’s Plate

            Loops of Heale

            Adam’s Apple

            Henle’s Loop

            Papillary Duct of Bellini

            Bowman’s Capsule

            Angle of Louis

 Junkyard

There seems to be a lot of junk and space inside of you, too. Just take a look at what’s really inside of you:

             caverns                               stems                        radicals                tubes   

             arches                                 trees                         hammers              valves         

             anvils                                 roofs                         cords                      roots

            discs                                    nails                         vaults                     canals 

           branches                            cavities                     bulbs                      plates   

           pyramids

Stumble Through Ancient Rome

 The body is filled with Latin terminology.  Sometimes I feel I should say, “ciao, baby!” Thank you Italy…

             Vastus lateralis                                Palmaris ulnaris

            Flexor carpi radialis                        Levator anguli oris

            Palmar aponeurosis                        Prominentia larngea

            Lateral decubitus                            Scala tympani

            Orbicularis acculi                           Peroneus brevis

            Patent ductus arteriosus 

 What is That?

             Shorter words that still make no sense to me:

            caecum                       pylorus                concha                       ischium

            vomer                        obdurator             pons                            taenia

            otic                              choroid                bolus                          calyces

            necrotic                      maxilla                occiput                       ulnar

 I’m sure there are plenty of other additions I (or you, for a matter of fact),  could add to these lists. But this one has already given me a headache. But all in all, you’d have to say I have quite an interesting proofreading life.

I hope I opened your eyes to the reality of your body.  You know – the ones on bony orbits. They say your body is a temple, but I think it’s nothing more than an over-articulate, voyeuristic catch basin.

Now – didn’t you find that humerus?